Heartless A Shieldmaiden's Voice: A Covenant Keeper Novel Read online

  “I’ll be back in a couple of hours,” she told Ted without looking at him.

  “Take my car,” Ted took keys out of his pocket. “It’s parked right by the—”

  “I don’t drive,” Carole interrupted, and left.

  ARMS LOADED WITH groceries, Carole returned. Beth’s screams met her in the hallway. She knocked for several minutes before Ted opened the door. Carole tried not to look, but her eyes wouldn’t obey, they darted back to the blanket by the playpen. The wrappers were gone. Strangely that didn’t help much and Beth’s howling increased accordingly. Frowning and bouncing Beth in his arms, Ted cooed through the wailing, trying futilely to coerce her into taking a bottle of formula.

  “The peace sure didn’t last very long,” he lamented.

  In the kitchen Carole warmed a mixture of goat’s milk and soy, poured it into a bottle, shuddering as she attached the rubber nipple. She took her daughter into her arms, interrupting Ted’s patient resignation, and began the process of trying to force the nasty nipple into the sweet mouth.

  “I know, I know, sweet. I know, I know. It’s good inside.” Beth struggled, moving her head from side to side, grunting.

  “I wish you’d nursed her,” Ted lamented. “Kimberly—the nanny—said it is healthiest for the baby.”

  “I did,” Carole told him. “The first four months. Then I had to leave.”

  “Maybe,” Ted interjected, “you could try nursing again? Would it work after all this time?”

  I wish. The thought made Carole’s breasts ache with longing. Maybe it would after a time, but she didn’t dare. Her own body had been poisoned.

  “I don’t think it would be safe, after my last assignment. I was exposed to—something.”

  Ted’s eyes widened. He bit his lower lip, and leaned in close. For one wild moment she thought he was going to kiss her, but his lips stopped at her ear.

  “Never,” he breathed, “allude to your work, even with me. You’re a ghost now—whatever your cover story is, you need to believe it yourself.”

  “I work for the UN,” Carole responded with conviction, brushing the rubber nipple across Beth’s mouth, leaving a milky trail. “My mother was Swiss, and I picked up the language firsthand. I’m hoping to become a reviser in time.” Ted’s eyes widened. For a moment Carole thought he really believed the part about her mother, but he shook his head slightly, his face sagging with the weight of a frown. He ran his hand over his mouth and glanced towards the windows. When he finally spoke, he barely whispered the words.

  “If there had been any choice—but a Judas Judge violation is treated as war time treason. It took every contact I had to keep you alive after North Korea.”

  “Why did you?” Carole mouthed wordlessly. She knew why, but she wanted him to know it.

  “I had to,” he whispered with a frown, as though still trying to puzzle it out.

  Carole turned from him with the same type of patient resignation he had for Beth. Carole held her daughter close to her thin T-shirt, near the breast that longed to do its duty, and thrust the rubber nipple into her mouth. Some milk finally hit Beth’s tongue in her determined frenzy to dislodge it. She latched on with a vengeance, sucking hard.

  Ted grinned, delighted. “She’s sucking so hard the soft spot on top her head sinks in.” Looking up into that rugged face, Carole waited, expectantly. He smiled at her. “Is there any chance at all that you’d be willing to go to Washington with me?”

  Figure it out, Ted, and soon. “Of course.” Please.

  Ted’s smile was brilliant; he had very straight teeth, rectangular and masculine.

  Leaning down, Ted kissed Beth’s forehead. Her eyes were closed as she focused on sucking with all of her might. He ran a big hand over the silky hair. “Thank you, Carole.”

  THE VOICES DIDN’T like air travel. “Unnatural. Dirty air. Dangerous.” It was one of their issues Carole usually felt comfortable not cooperating with. Fumes of jet fuel drifted past, and she ignored it, trying to wave the air away from her daughter.

  Planes are safe enough, she defended mentally. I hope. Beth perched contentedly on Ted’s lap, smiling her rabbit-toothed grin. Carole shifted uncomfortably, her defiant opinion on the safety of aircraft wavering. For once Beth didn’t seem tuned in to her mother’s discomfort. She blew raspberries and belted, “Da, da, da,” for the entertainment of the fellow passengers. Strangely, the passengers seemed to enjoy Beth as much as her father. Not just the grandmothers on board either, but businessmen and the flight attendants alike made over Beth, begged to hold her, and showered compliments. Several times Ted tore himself away from their bubble of contentment, handed Beth to Carole, and wandered into the first class compartment. At first Carole didn’t think much about it, but on his third trip—when she sensed him pass the men’s room—she allowed the stealthy part of her brain to follow him.

  The plane was full, there was one almost empty seat and that was between her and Ted with Beth’s car-seat strapped into it. Inside Carole’s head the familiar flesh and bone that made up Ted’s body stood next to that of a vaguely familiar woman. When Ted returned after an absence of twenty minutes, Carole didn’t return Beth to his outstretched arms.

  “Is something wrong?” He buckled his seatbelt.

  “Are you in love with Kimberly?” Carole only knew one way to ask questions, and that was to simply ask.

  Ted stared at her, his mouth agape. She knew he wanted to ask how she knew about Kimberly, so despite the objection of the voices to too much candor, she explained. “I know who she is because I heard you talking to her that day she came to the apartment.”

  Closing his mouth, Ted firmly pried Beth out of her arms and held her against his big chest. After patting Beth’s hair for a while, without looking at Carole, he simply said, “I don’t love her.” He continued patting the golden head for a bit more and added, “I’m not comfortable talking to you about her.”

  “Are you comfortable having me in Washington with her?”

  Ted’s dark blue gaze met hers firmly. “You’re Beth’s mother. I’m comfortable having you anywhere that benefits our daughter.”

  Carole liked the way he said our daughter. It was the first time he’d said it.

  “Beth comes first, Carole.” He looked worried. “Can we agree to that much, right now?”

  “Absolutely, but Beth was better off with Anne than your Kimberly.”

  Ted made a sound of disagreement, but said, “Well, we’ll need someone to watch her when you have to leave, I can’t always be there, and Beth is used to Kimberly. Besides, you said Anne won’t come to DC.”

  “She’s not comfortable traveling further than she can walk,” Carole admitted.

  “I’m not comfortable having Anne near Beth anyway.”

  “Are you comfortable with Anne living in your apartment in San Diego by herself?”

  “Not at all,” Ted laughed faintly. “And neither are the neighbors. I agreed because I owed her something after having her arrested, but everyone who lives there all pretty much works for the government and votes the same. She doesn’t fit in. I’d say they’re not any more comfortable than I am, having Anne there.”

  “Is it because she’s Jewish?”

  “Is she Jewish? I didn’t know that, but it’s not because she’s Jewish, Carole.” He looked at her like he sometimes did, like he was trying to figure her out but was afraid to. “It’s because she dresses like a bag lady, likes to spend the weekends living in the park, and starts conversations about the time she spent in prison.”

  “She was only in jail, and that was because of you, and that experience was no small thing for her. She was in a concentration camp you know. Lost all her family there, her husband and five of her children, except for Aaron, but he was born later. His father was one of the guards in the camp.”

  “Oh, God, Carole. I had no idea.”

  “There are reasons people are the way they are.”

  Ted was still staring at her when the flig
ht attendant brought them little trays of striped steak. Carole refused to even allow it to be placed in front of her. Ted ignored her warnings and tried to coerce Beth into some of the mashed potatoes. She obligingly allowed them to be put into her mouth, and then blew them onto his nice shirt with an expression of such distaste that he laughed.

  “I suppose you warned me.”

  “They’re not real potatoes. She’d eat real potatoes. Those are some sort of rehydrated thing.”

  “How can you tell that? They look the same and they taste the same.”

  Carole arched a disbelieving brow. Really? They sure didn’t look the same to her. She dug a banana out of a bag. “I can always tell, and I bet Beth can too.”

  “How?” Ted seemed genuinely curious.

  Mashing a bit of banana between her fingers, Carole popped it into her daughter’s mouth. “Well, when I look at food I can almost taste it before I taste it.”

  “You mean like smelling it?”

  “Sort of, but it’s more about looks—and stuff, you know?” Obviously he didn’t, and how could she explain the poisonous waves emanating from bad food? Or the metallic taste that filled her mouth if it touched her lips? “Like when I look at this banana—and it’s not true of all bananas they’re not all created equal—I just know that it is good. When I look at that food,” she grimaced, “it makes me think of muck.”

  “Uh, okay—it tastes all right. Not good, but not muck either.”

  Carole smiled at him. “You think I’m weird.”

  Diplomatically, Ted only said, “I think you make beautiful babies.”

  TED LEFT FOR his job right after checking into the hotel. Beth and Carole were in a room next to his, there was a door between the rooms, but Ted kept his side locked. Carole bathed with Beth, and tossed on her usual olive pants and T-shirt. She tucked Beth into tiny cotton jeans and a heavy sweater, marveling over the baby-sized clothes. They headed out into the city together. Ted and his Kimberly had provided a ridiculous amount of girly-pink clothing, but Beth needed clothes that weren’t synthetic blends, and that was hard to find in baby clothes. Carole ended up at a second hand shop, miles from their hotel. With new old clothes in hand they had to walk several more miles to find the kind of soap the voices approved, and a Laundromat to wash the new purchases at. Carole relished the little adventure with her happy baby, reminded of when Beth was a newborn. Carole wasn’t used to complete strangers approaching her, even men tended to shy away from her anymore, but Beth grinned and gabbed at everyone, and they in turn returned open admiration. In the Laundromat Carole enjoyed Beth’s popularity, but kept a watchful eye as her daughter was passed from person to person.

  Returning to the hotel after dark they were met by police officers in the hotel lobby. Ted sounded impressively furious when he asked her where she’d been. Holding up her sack of clothing, she told him, “Shopping.” The police cheerfully passed Beth around, and left.

  “CAROLE, THESE STREETS aren’t safe,” Ted groused in the elevator, long fingers caressing Beth.

  Despite the bellowing protests of the voices to elevators, Carole couldn’t stop herself, she grinned at Ted and he had the grace to smile.

  “I know you can take care of yourself, but you had Beth with you.”

  “I can take care of Beth too, try not to worry. I’m very capable.” Ted moved his hand from Beth to touch Carole’s cheek tentatively. It made Carole’s heart sing, and Beth tilted her head flirtatiously. Carole wondered if the little moppet was always going to betray her feelings to the world.

  The elevator doors opened with a ping, a woman stood waiting with her arms crossed. She glared when she spotted Ted. After one disbelieving glance at his fingers pressed against Carole’s cheek, mascara blackened eyes widened and she spun on polished heels, stalking away. Ted followed without a backward glance.

  Beth started to cry.

  THE NEXT MORNING Ted knocked on Carole’s hotel door. “Why’s Beth crying like that?”

  “It seems she does that when I’m upset. I’m going to take care of it today.”

  His eyes went to Carole’s single piece of luggage, a military issue canvas sack, packed and sitting on the hotel bed. “You’re leaving!”

  “No, Ted, I told you I’d come here with you and I will. I’m going apartment hunting. If I find something, I’ll leave you a message at the front desk.”

  “Wait, wait.” Ted pushed his way through the door and shut it behind him. “Look, I’m trying to find an older apartment in the Georgetown area. Something you’re not allergic to where I can have one floor and you can have another. I figure it would be much easier for us to take turns keeping Beth that way.”

  “Is Kimberly going to live there too?”

  “Carole, that’s none of your business.”

  Going to the bed, she hoisted her sack onto a shoulder, settling Beth comfortably against the other.

  “Unfortunately it is. I told you I love you and I meant it. When you go with her, it hurts me. I try to hide that from Beth, but I can’t. She’s too sensitive and she suffers too.”

  “Oh for pity’s sake, Carole. What are you talking about? Beth isn’t even a year old.”

  The look in his eye was so condescending, Carole sighed. Dropping her bag on the floor, she shifted Beth and tried to explain. “You followed Kimberly to her room from the elevator last night. After you spent about ten minutes outside her door knocking, she came out. She’d changed into a dress, something polyester,” Carole shivered, “and you went down to the hotel restaurant for drinks at the bar. Then you caught a taxi and I assume you went to dinner somewhere west of here—I couldn’t sense where, it was too far. But you both ate seafood—I’d rather not explain how I know that. You came back here at midnight. You had two bottles of wine. I think it was red, but I’m never sure because they both feel similar because of the sulfites. Beth was sound asleep at first, but then you spent the night in Kimberly’s room just down the hall. That was plenty close enough for me to sense about everything you were doing, and Beth started howling. I left the hotel, Ted. I didn’t want to know. Beth and I wandered the streets out of range of your tryst. It didn’t help though, because when you hurt me I can’t control hurting Beth.”

  Ted yanked Beth out of Carole’s arms, his blue eyes suddenly dark and dangerous. “What do you mean you’re hurting Beth?” He jerked Beth’s little shirt up and examined her flawless body. Beth chuckled when he poked around her belly. Her red-rimmed eyes attested to her long night, but she was happy now that her father was there, because Carole was happy now. “What the hell are you talking about? Were you watching us? Did you follow me?”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! Of course I didn’t follow you. I tried to get away from knowing what you were doing. And you know perfectly well I wouldn’t hurt our baby! How can you say that? I’m talking about hurting here, Ted!” Carole smacked a hand against her still aching heart. On cue, Beth’s face fell and her lower lip quivered. The demonstration couldn’t have been more profound. “I can’t let what I feel hurt Beth. I need to stay far enough away that I can’t sense what you do.”

  “Are you telling me you’re psychic?”

  “If that’s what you want to call it. I don’t know what it is, but I do know I can’t control the way I feel, or the fact that Beth can feel what I do.”

  “So you’re both psychic.” Ted gave her his famous Lieutenant-Colonel stare. “You expect me to buy that because you knew where I spent the night? Don’t forget, I know what you do for a living. I’m the one who recommended you for the job, and as you mentioned yesterday, you’re very good at what you do.”

  “You forgot your wallet in Kimberly’s bathroom; she’s going through it right now. For breakfast you ordered room service, you had eggs and some type of pork. She had fruit with whipped cream on it, though she’s eating the pork you didn’t finish while she goes through your wallet right now. You have your badge in your right pocket and change in your left—two quarters, a nickel and three
pennies. You have scratch marks on your back, four of them on the left side. You’re wearing boxers and your undershirt has a loose hem in the front. There’s a man in the room across the hall and he’s going to walk outside his door—right now.” The sound of the door opened and closed. Ted turned and looked out the peephole. Carole continued, “I think he’s going running. It feels like those thin pants runners wear. He’s about five foot four, a hundred and thirty pounds, probably Asian.” Ted turned back to her, looking pale. “And the elevator just stopped at this floor, the door is opening—now.” The loud ping sounded down the hall. “I lost track because I went out of range last night, but would you like me to tell you how many prophylactics you used this morning? Including the one that broke?”

  Disbelievingly, Ted shook his head. “That’s insane. How do you do that?”

  Taking a deep breath, Carole tugged her daughter out of his arms. Beth sucked busily on her fingers. “I have no idea how I do it. How do you not? As for insane, I’ve considered that too, but if I am that doesn’t explain why I’m right, does it?”

  “Can Beth do all that too?” Ted seemed horrified by the magnitude of that idea, and it was a feeling Carole shared.

  “I can’t be completely sure, but I don’t think so. She’s different than I am.” Carole put her face against Beth’s clean hair and breathed her in. A dark wave of nausea rippled through her.

  The voices were furious. “They will destroy us if they know! You forfeit your life!” It had been a very long time since they punished her. In her mind she saw a lion leap almost playfully towards a woman, ripping her head off her body effortlessly. For a moment the body remained erect, and Carole was sure the head clenched in the animal’s jaws knew what had happened. Carole’s morning oatmeal raced up into her throat and she choked to keep it down. In her arms Beth made gagging sounds and vomited spectacularly across the hotel rug. Carole had to squint to see Ted through the horrific images of torture flitting through her mind.