Heartless A Shieldmaiden's Voice: A Covenant Keeper Novel Read online

  “Good God, Carole! What the hell are you doing? Why are you dressed like—are those piercings real?”

  “Listen, I only have a few minutes. Do you have a pen and paper?” Ted kept an eye on her, and dug through a pile of stuff on the coffee table to produce them.

  “You’re on assignment here?”

  Carole didn’t bother to answer, he surely knew she couldn’t. She wrote down two addresses, carefully disguising her handwriting. “I don’t know if you can get this into the right hands or not. This one—” she pointed to the top address, “has several million dollars of heroin inside a chimney vent on the roof. This other one—God, Ted—I don’t know what else to do, that pig is going to just leave those babies to die I know he is. There’s dozens of little girls in there—”

  “You know we have to stay out of human trafficking right now.”

  “They’re Beth’s age, Ted.”

  He took the paper, and a ripple of sorrow traveled through his heart so deeply Carole felt it.

  “I’ll figure out something—Carole? Why don’t you stop? Tell them you want out. I know enough people in Washington. I think I could get you out safely now.” He was serious, he looked worried.

  “It’s what I do, Ted.”

  “Don’t you want to have a normal life? Keep your own daughter safe? I could take an assignment someplace quiet.”

  Carole ran her hand over her spiked black hair and grimaced, thinking of her father’s merciless death in the desert. Rutak’s message stirred in her memory, it always came to her in Fastest’s voice: Use his gift wisely. She had the ability to stop people like Rin. Besides there was really only one way to keep her daughter safe, staying home with her wasn’t it. Beth and Ted were far safer moving from city to city than they ever could be settled someplace quiet.

  “What is a normal life? And there is no safe, it’s an illusion, a game. I keep Beth safer doing this than I could at home. I need to go, Ted. A couple more months and I’ll be back.” She could sense the nanny wrapped in a towel and combing her long dark hair. “I’m going to duck in and see Beth. I’ll go out her window. Make sure you lock it behind me?”

  “I’m being transferred to New Zealand. Christchurch I think. Call the office to know for sure.”

  “I will.” Carole paused beside him, wondering how the agency knew Rin’s plans so quickly. A surge of anxiety welled up in her. Ted’s transfer was because of her, what would he do when he realized that? Ted eyed her nervously. She had become the disguise. There would be no kiss, no hug. Nanny now played the part of wife.

  “When I packed our stuff to move here your wedding ring was missing.” His blue eyes glanced at her hands, at the ragged fingernails she’d colored in black magic marker, at the vulgar words scrawled on her hands. Unable to bear it and certain he could read Chinese; Carole hid her hands behind her back.

  “I lost it,” she whispered. Ted made a slight movement, his large body bent inwards just briefly. Disappointment and resignation were clear in his eyes when they met hers.

  “Oh. It was my mother’s.”

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered, remembering her father snatching it out of the air in an effort to protect her. She wondered if he’d been buried with it still clenched his fist. She didn’t think he’d like that. Fastest would have known that. Maybe he’d given the ring back to Karl. A ring meant nothing to Carole, but hurting Ted did. He wouldn’t look at her, standing tall and staring blindly at the floor.

  “I love you, Ted. I miss you.” She darted into the nursery, and closed the door behind her, leaning against it. The part of her heart where Ted belonged felt so hollow it hurt. She had a feeling that nanny didn’t sleep in Beth’s room at night. It took great effort to shove that knowledge away. It was time to keep Beth safe.

  SITTING UP IN her crib, Beth waited. “Hi, Mom.”

  In the shadowy nursery, a red neon light blinked into the room through the window, the word Duck intermittently visible across the wooden floor. Carole leaned over the round crib, her heart racing for Beth’s. She saw her daughter grimace as their hearts touched.

  “Mom, what’s wrong?”

  In the other room Nanny sat on the couch beside Ted now, and Carole knew he wasn’t even trying to hide it. Why should he? He was married to a spy, a NOC, an assassin, a woman with unnatural talents who had forced herself into his life and showed no respect for things that were important to him. Surely he was aware that she could sense his movements from inside Beth’s little room. Was he trying to hurt her? Or make her jealous? Or both?

  “Mom?” Beth sounded scared, and Carole pulled the touch of her heart a safe distance away from Beth’s. The voices screamed their protests, but she did it anyway, knowing it was the only way to truly keep Beth safe.

  “Life is love. It is what we are. It is all there is.” The voices argued and it felt like a door slammed shut deep inside her heart. Forever.

  Beth shuddered and her voice went high with fear, “Mom, what’s wrong?”

  Perfectly calm and in a phony voice as though she were speaking to Rin, Carole replied in a closed off, empty tone, “I don’t think Daddy likes my earrings on my face.”

  “They’re ugly, Mom.”

  “I know. I’ll take them off next time I come home.”

  “Where’d you go?” Beth asked.

  “Places.”

  Shaking her head Beth pointed at her mother’s heart and then to her own. “You goed someplace away here, I miss you. Did Daddy make you sad?”

  “Daddy makes me happy, he is the best. I love Daddy. I miss him so much.” As pathetic as that was, Carole meant every word.

  “Mom? Come back in here, now.” Beth patted her chest.

  Leaning over the crib, Carole smoothed Beth’s pretty hair. “It’s Daddy’s turn, okay. He’ll fill up the space. I take up too much room and he can hardly fit, so I’ll stay outside a little to be fair to him. Is that okay? For Daddy?”

  Beth frowned at her, soft brows pulling together and her pretty mouth turned down. “I love Daddy.” She lay down in the crib, the big eyes blinking up at her mother, the scowl still on her face. Her lower lip quivered. “Make bread when you come home?”

  “I will. Bye Baby.”

  “Bye, Mom.”

  Ignoring the protesting of the voices, Carole opened the window and slid out. It had to be like this. It wasn’t even Ted’s fault. The only way to make Beth believe she was a normal little girl, to be certain she didn’t search for the touch of a heart, was to leave her heart alone. If being with their kind made them remember, she needed to stay as far from Beth as possible. Besides, Beth wouldn’t remember what they’d had, she was too young. Carole’s fingers slid onto the rough concrete of the duck soup shop, and she pulled herself upwards, climbing until she reached the roof. Once on top she curled into a ball, pressing her hands against her chest. There could be no one else in the world like Beth’s Daddy. She would do this for her daughter. She would keep her family safe.

  “MR. WHITE, IT’S not going to work out, I’m sorry.” Miss Kathy said it like she meant it, standing in front of the classroom door. Beth knew the teacher wasn’t really sorry, but Miss Kathy liked Daddy. One time Miss Kathy saw Daddy parking his car and said he was a stud. Beth decided Miss Kathy was a bad girl and a liar. A liar because she said she didn’t eat sweets, but she sneaked and ate snacks out of the school cupboard all the time. Beth glared at her while holding possessively to her Daddy’s big hand.

  “Are you throwing my daughter out of preschool?” Daddy didn’t like Miss Kathy, even when she was pretend nice.

  “Of course not!” But it was a lie, Beth could feel it. They were throwing her out. She held tighter to Daddy’s hand. He wouldn’t let anybody throw her. Miss Kathy said, “Take her to the base doctor. There’re all types of reasons why children behave like this. She probably just needs something to calm her down a bit—and once she is feeling better, we’d love to have her back.”

  “Ha!” Beth interrupted, pointin
g a finger at her teacher. “That’s not true! Daddy? That’s not true!”

  Miss Kathy gave her the look. She didn’t say, “You’re trying my patience today, Beth” like she did when Daddy wasn’t there. She was thinking it though. Beth just knew it. Miss Kathy handed Daddy her folder with all her art projects inside and said, “She’s a sweet girl, Mr. White, but we have thirty preschoolers and she disrupts the entire class.”

  Beth sniffed. “You’re trying my patience today, Miss Kathy.”

  Daddy snorted beside her and squeezed her hand. He was trying not to laugh.

  “See what I mean, Mr. White? Three-year-olds don’t talk like that.”

  “Ha!” Beth bounced on her toes, thrilled. “Yes they do! I’m three and I do!”

  Daddy picked her up, and told Miss Kathy “Ga ’day.” He hid his face from the teacher while they went to the parking lot, so Miss Kathy wouldn’t see him laughing. Beth loved when Daddy laughed. He laughed all the time. She loved Daddy.

  MOM DIDN’T THINK it was funny. Mom didn’t think anything was funny.

  “Carole, she’s just smarter than the average bear.”

  “I think I might be,” Beth piped up and considered that. Bears weren’t very smart, were they? She’d have to think about that. Maybe there were books about how smart bears were.

  Mom put a bowl of bean soup in front of her and a big piece of hot bread and butter. It was Beth’s favorite food ever. Mom was no fun, but she cooked best. Beth glanced at Daddy’s plate and shivered. Daddy ate really yucky food.

  “You have work, Ted, and so do I. We’ll have to find a new place. I can look tomorrow. I think the Catholic school might consider taking her early.”

  “They won’t, I asked. I could get her a nanny.”

  Mom went very still and Beth watched her. Mom was so pretty, even though she didn’t like to smile. She didn’t like nannies either. Daddy did. When Daddy didn’t like stuff he said it out loud. When Mom didn’t like stuff, she stopped moving.

  “It’s the third preschool, Carole. It was funny, but maybe I should have the base doctor examine her.”

  “She’s not taking pills, Ted. I don’t care what the doctors say. Nothing. Ted? You wouldn’t give her pills and not tell me, would you?”

  Beth watched her father while chewing on her slice of warm, buttery bread. He would. He broke Mom’s rules all the time. She wondered if she’d like pills as much as ice-cream.

  “Do you want to come to the pediatrician’s with us?” Daddy asked Mom. Beth took a deep breath, pleased. Daddy almost lied. She shivered slightly. It hurt her when people lied; it felt like she couldn’t breathe. She didn’t let them lie. That is why Miss Kathy didn’t like her.

  “IT’S CALLED TOURETTE’S Syndrome,” the doctor said.

  “No it’s not!” Beth bellowed. Mom put a hand on her shoulder. That was Mom’s way of telling her to shut up. Beth listened. Everyone listened to Mom if they knew what’s good for them.

  The doctor looked at her like he was waiting for her to lie, and wrote something in his folder. “It’s a neurological problem where the patient can’t control random physical impulses. There’s therapy and medication—”

  “You’re nuts,” Daddy interrupted. Mom almost laughed and Beth tossed back her head, looking up at her and hoping to see it. She’d felt it, bubbling near her heart before Mom caught herself and stopped it. Mom kept her heart hidden and quiet, not like Daddy’s. Right now Daddy’s heart was mad. He picked Beth up and held her against his shoulder. She could feel his heart close to hers, trumpeting and pounding, like the horns soldiers played to make you wake up and the sound Mom’s shoes made when she raced out of the house because Daddy liked nannies. Beth sighed and put her cheek on his shoulder, patting him. She liked nannies too. Daddy opened the door and left. Mom followed. Beth could see the doctor shaking his head back and forth behind them.

  “OUR DAUGHTER DOES not have a neurological problem. She just speaks her mind,” Daddy groused. When he was mad he drove too fast. Beth loved it. They bounded down the road through the bush and the Jeep bounced really hard. Mom’s heart was tight and small because she didn’t like fast. Mom didn’t like cars, though she never said it. Beth could feel it. Mom turned around to check her seatbelt and car seat and told her to hold tight.

  Mom said, “I agree with you, Ted. The problem is not everyone wants to hear what is on Beth’s mind.”

  “Because she’s honest? I admit it’s disconcerting. She points out my fibs too, so I know how it feels to be on the wrong end of it. Mrs. Glick asked how she looked in her dress, I said really nice—Beth just shouted, “Daddy! You don’t like it! Why’d you say that?” And I saw General Sands on the golf course Tuesday. He said I was probably getting transferred stateside by New Year’s. Beth started hollering why did he always say that when he was making us stay right here. I got away fast as I could.” Daddy chuckled and Beth swung her legs happily in the little backseat. She listened closely when her parents talked, to make sure that they said only true stuff. They needed her help. Everybody did.

  CAROLE’S ASSIGNMENT HAD taken seven months to complete, and she needed to see Beth and Ted. She raced up seventeen flights of stairs, wondering if Ted had taken an apartment in the high-rise as punishment for her long absence, and wishing he hadn’t refused his assignment in Buenos Aires. She hadn’t had a peek at kindergarten-aged Beth the entire time. The building seemed as modern as one could be, all glass and mirrors and whisper-quiet high speed elevators. Carole thought poor Beth could not sleep well in this tribute to technology. Carole had to knock on apartment 17847 for long minutes, stubbornly refusing to push the doorbell.

  At least she could sense only Ted and Beth inside. Beth was tucked in bed already and Carole waited impatiently. Ted opened the door and the expression on his face told her she had come home at a bad time. He looked good, as always, his hair shorter than usual but very sophisticated and slick-looking, clad in a nice tuxedo. He has a date, flitted through Carole’s mind, her husband had a date. God, it hurt just as much every single time. Surely she should be used to it after five years of Ted’s indiscretions.

  “Oh, you’re going out? It’s okay. I need a shower and time with Beth anyway.”

  Ted opened the door all the way, inviting her in. “She’s sound asleep. It’s good to see you. You look fabulous, Carole.”

  The comment surprised her. Surely she looked exactly the same, except for the latest patch of swollen red skin where another tattoo had been removed by laser. This time it had been on her shoulder, much less noticeable than the ones on her neck and face had been. Yet time seemed kind, and she healed remarkably well, certainly another attribute of her kind. Or maybe on the other side her father was talking to ilu for her.

  Her latest mission had been a failure. She hadn’t been able to stop the bombing. Eighty-five people had been killed but she had lived, sustaining fractured ribs, a broken hand, and a severe leg break. Last night on the ship she’d dreamed of her father. He said he’d pray for her, and her broken and injured bones had healed impossibly fast, a fact she had tried to hide from the doctors. She stepped painlessly into the apartment now and took a look around.

  The apartment looked clean, not in that dusted and neat way so much, but clean and comfortable as the voices demanded. That fact surprised her. The floor was polished bamboo, and the walls were woven grasses. Carole spun in a circle, taking everything in.

  “It’s nice!” She wished she’d thought to talk to her father in her dream and ask if he’d ever spoken to ilu about Ted. She turned her scrutiny almost worriedly on her husband, reminding herself that it had only been a dream, and that she always healed too fast.

  Handsome as ever, Ted’s smile welcomed her. “It is nice, isn’t it? I was hoping you’d come before we got reassigned. Beth takes the elevator without a word of complaint. They’re glass, and you can see the city outside. I think bringing nature indoors is a brilliant concept.”

  “Artifice. Illusion. Trickery.�
� Of course the voices tried to spoil it. Ted surprised her when he stepped forward, wrapped his arms around her and hugged her.

  “I thought something happened to you.”

  It had, but she’d survived it, so it didn’t matter now. He smelled so good. She leaned against his broad chest, wallowing in the moment. Beth slept nearby—her heart just out of reach—the way Carole always kept it now. It still felt like home, the warmth of it like a nearby hearth.

  Ted rested his cheek against the top of her head. “Come with me? Tonight? It’s just a hideous black-tie event for some Washington contacts, but, Carole, I hate the idea of going anywhere when I haven’t seen you in so long. I’d cancel if I could, but I don’t dare.”

  The greeting made her tingle right to her fingers and toes. “I don’t have whatever women wear to black tie events.” For once she wished she did. All she owned were cotton slacks and T-shirts.

  “You have a dress!” Ted snapped his fingers, “and shoes too! Beth got them for you for Christmas. Of course she took the liberty of unwrapping them for you too, but they were beautifully wrapped until Christmas Eve.”

  Ted grabbed her hand and tugged her into an enormous master suite. Carole looked around at the wall of glass overlooking the lights of Hong Kong. Jungle plants were artfully arranged from floor to ceiling and she looked at Ted in surprise.

  “I got a promotion, not to this level of posh, but one of the delegates went stateside and offered me this place, so I took it. Good decision too, otherwise we’d have been stuck in that mess in Buenos Aires. I’m getting things done here, and there’s a nice school down the street. Beth is—hanging on there.”

  “Not any better?” Beth’s tongue had caused more than embarrassment the past few years.

  “Tomorrow. Tonight it’s just us.” Carole’s spirits soared. Ted went to a closet hidden in the living bamboo wall, and walked inside. A moment later he trotted out holding a tiny embroidered dress, very traditional Japanese, but her eyes went to the heels that dangled from his long fingers.