Heartless A Shieldmaiden's Voice: A Covenant Keeper Novel Read online

“That’s fun,” Ted tried.

  “It’s good, not fun. Ice-cream’s fun though, but Mommy won’t let us eat it. Can we get it after she leaves?”

  “We can get ice-cream with Mommy.”

  “No we can’t!” Beth argued knowledgably, and Carole smiled again. That’s true too!

  “Well, we can take her to do something else that’s fun. We’ll take her skating!”

  “She won’t like the music. She won’t smile!” Beth warned, and Carole sensed her daughter bounce to her feet and run to her dresser, tugging a top and leggings from a neat drawer.

  Ted crossed behind her and helped pull her nightgown off over her head. “Yes, she will so smile. Mommy smiles all the time!”

  Beth rounded on him as though he’d hurt her. “Don’t LIE!” Hands protectively over her chest she screeched at her father, “Don’t you lie, Daddy! Mommy does not smile all the time! Mommy never smiles!”

  Carole sat up in her bed, sensing Beth’s heart pounding rapidly in her small body. It hurts her! Lies hurt her!

  Ted calmly dug through Beth’s dresser drawers and handed her fresh underpants. “Exaggerating is not lying, Beth. Your mother smiles sometimes. I’ve seen her.”

  “It is so lying, Daddy!” Beth’s voice came out high-pitched and teary. “Don’t zaj-zaj—exajerade-exaggerate on me.”

  Ted’s sigh had to be noticeable to even Beth, because she let that argument go and wiggled into her silky top. “When did you see Mommy smile?”

  Ted chuckled lightly, and though she couldn’t see his face with her scan she had a feeling he was blushing. Carole laughed out loud, knowing when Ted saw her smiles.

  Beth’s voice sounded in a loud whisper. “Uh-oh! She can hear us!”

  “THEY’RE CALLED ROLLERBLADES,” Ted told Carole.

  “In-line skating,” Beth corrected, zipping in neat little circles between her parents while Carole knelt, strapping a pair of the ugly wheeled boots on.

  Beth had been right, the music was horrendous. Carole knew Beth understood every word of the Japanese lyrics too, and so did Ted. She shot a disapproving look up at him.

  “Told ya,” Beth caught it and sagely complained to her father.

  “Hey, Miss Know-it-all, if you want someone to skate with you’d better stop being so fussy. I’m not even trying to squeeze my big feet into those little skates ever again.”

  “Last time you did!” Beth argued.

  “I had blisters for weeks!”

  “You did not!” Beth stopped moving to scream at her father, drawing many polite Japanese looks towards the loud American kid.

  “Beth White,” Carole warned. Guiltily Beth refused to meet her eyes, and went back to weaving around them, her skates making a skit-skit sound.

  “I had blisters,” Ted amended.

  “You fell,” Beth corrected.

  “Almost broke my—”

  “LIAR!” Beth bellowed the scream with such enthusiasm she went pink in the face. The bulk of the people skating nearby moved away, giving them wide berth even though they weren’t even on the rink yet, apparently seeing a need to prepare for it.

  Carole rose easily to stand on her skates. She scooped Beth up under her arms, lifting her until her daughter was nose to nose with her and looking fearfully into her eyes, her thin body dangling limply below Carole’s strong hands.

  “You will not speak another word until I’m done skating and we leave this rink. Do you understand me?”

  Beth’s clear eyes were wide. She nodded.

  “And if I hear you sass your father again, I’ll paddle you so hard you won’t be able to sit for a week. Am I exaggerating, Beth?”

  Tears flooded Beth’s eyes, and her lips quivered. She bravely shook her head.

  “Carole!” Ted whispered her name in protest. Ted didn’t believe in spanking children. Carole didn’t believe it should ever be necessary more than once.

  DESPITE THE UNCOMFORTABLE height of the skyscraper apartment, Carole liked the open space. If she kept her scan to herself, she could forget they weren’t in some sunny flat in a quieter city. The plants were a comforting touch, and the smell of her baking made it feel like home. Beth sat on a high stool next to the granite countertop and worked on writing out and adding up a long list of products and prices. It seemed a bit complex for a kindergartener, and she gnawed her thumbnail, focusing.

  The months had flown. Ted had received a temporary transfer to South Africa and had begun making arrangements for the move. He seemed comfortable with taking Beth there. Carole expected to get her phone call to leave soon. Things were good between them. Last night he’d allowed her to rest against his bare chest and hadn’t pushed her away. She’d lain there until she’d sensed his heart pounding a worrisome beat beneath hers, and realized he was terrified. If I had more time—maybe—maybe we could figure it out!

  “Do they harvest silk in Africa, Mom?” Beth glanced up from her papers, gaze sliding blindly over the pile of bell peppers Carole expertly rinsed and sliced.

  “Prob—actually, I don’t know for sure.” Carole admitted and Beth went back to her list. Both Ted and Carole had decided to answer Beth’s questions only if they were absolutely certain their answers were verifiably correct. She seemed calmer. Maybe being thrown out of kindergarten had been for the best as Ted purported at the time.

  Head bent over her peppers Carole peeped briefly at her daughter. Beth had exposed entirely too much information about her teacher’s political leanings on crowded parent night. A lot of people in Hong Kong probably felt like Ms. Tanaka had about China and America. Maybe a lot of people in the Kowloon district also thought that headmaster Sato was a limp dick. But nobody wanted to hear a child expose her kindergarten teacher’s real thoughts on all three subjects.

  After the suspension Carole had resisted the oft threatened paddling to ask Beth if she knew what a limp dick was, to which her daughter had replied, “An ineffectual man.” Ted said spanking to punish the truth was wrong. Carole still felt in two minds about it, but had resisted because the voices encouraged it.

  Beth scratched her head with the back end of her pencil for a moment, and then furiously erased some numbers.

  “What are you working on?” Carole asked.

  “Estimating the gross national product of China for the next twenty years. Can I have a calculator for Christmas?”

  Carole bit back a laugh. Beth would be six soon. “No you can’t, but if you can manage not to get thrown out of school in South Africa, maybe they’ll let you use one there.”

  “It is going to be higher than people realize, I think. I have trouble doing really big numbers without a calculator.”

  “Did you use a calculator in kindergarten?”

  “No. Kimmy Lee’s Mom lets me use hers when I go to their apartment.”

  Carole turned to open the oven door and pulled out a loaf of bread. Shoving the door shut with her foot, she set it on the cutting board and patted the glass encased recipe her father had written so long ago. Ted had had it laminated and sealed in glass for her a couple Christmas’s ago. Turning back to her peppers she tried to keep the conversation going with Beth.

  “Does Kimmy babysit you over there sometimes?”

  “Yep. When Dad goes out, she comes here. When he wants his back rubbed, we go there.”

  “Oh.” Carole faltered chopping a red pepper, nearly catching her own finger. Beth noticed, her clear eyes watching from across the countertop.

  “Are you okay, Mom?”

  Keep it honest. “Yeah. I didn’t know Mrs. Cho was a masseuse.”

  “Miss Cho. She only does it for Dad.”

  Carole froze.

  Beth blinked at her. “Is that okay?”

  Never let it hurt Beth. Carole forced her mouth to supply an honest answer. “It’s a little too nice.”

  Beth’s head tilted slightly, as though trying to decipher her words. “Dad likes it.”

  Carole nabbed a small plate from an overhead cupboard. “Would you
like a slice of bread while it’s hot?”

  Beth’s sucked in her breath with an enthusiastic sound. “May I have butter on it, Mom, please?”

  Carole turned her back to get it, hiding her face. She should know better than to spy on Ted, she regretted it every single time, but unable to control her scan she allowed it to drift through apartment walls, searching for Ted. He was there. With Kimmy Lee’s mom. Hot tears scorched her eyes. Carole purposely pressed her hand right on the hot glass bread pan for several seconds. The gasp of pain that escaped her had nothing to do with her burning hand.

  “Mom! Are you okay?”

  Carole turned back with the bread in her good hand and slid it quickly across the counter. “I burned my hand!” Ignoring Beth’s sounds of sympathy, she hurried through the apartment to the bathroom where she could cry in private.

  “DADDY, CAN I drive?” Beth knew he’d say no, she was only ten and a half, but she liked to make her father laugh. Stuck in gridlock during rush hour, she could sense tension in his heart.

  “Do you think we could get there faster,” Dad patted her knee, “if you drove? Roll up your window, sweetheart, rough neighborhood.”

  “It’s too hot!” she protested.

  “Oh, we’ll get double scoops of ice-cream to cool down. We’ll be there soon.”

  “How soon?” Beth rolled the window up. Sweat trickled down the back of her dress.

  “Mmm, by next weekend I’d bet.”

  That made her laugh and it might be true in this mess. It was part of the fun though. They hopped in the car and just drove until they found whatever Beth felt like searching for. Dad called them quests. Tonight they were questing for halo-halo ice-cream. It was her favorite, and his. Maybe the only food they both liked, and that made it even more special.

  “I think I’m going to need a bowl, a big one.” Beth was hungry. “You can have my Jell-O if I can have your cherries and nuts.” She negotiated the exchange with her Dad while thinking about her Mom’s cooking: fresh bread, rich soups, and stews. Her stomach growled. She should learn to cook for herself, the problem was she’d rather go hungry than take the time to do it. Most every day when Mom was away, she simply ate rice and vegetables.

  “I should probably stick to just the two scoops,” Dad teased. “I’m getting fat.”

  Beth smiled at her big, strong father, and then a street vendor caught her eye. “Ooo, Daddy, can we stop there? Look at that fabric. You should have a tie made from that, it matches your eyes. Please, can we?”

  “Not in this neighborhood.”

  Traffic started to move, and Dad accelerated. The little car shot forward. Beth tugged her notebook out of her schoolbag and penciled in the location and description of the fabric. She had four notebooks listing random treasure she’d spotted everywhere they’d lived. They had yet to have purchased a single thing. She didn’t care, she just liked knowing where the best honey was, or the best silk—and she’d bet that bit of cloth she’d just glimpsed was perfect. It wouldn’t make her skin crawl to touch it.

  “Whoa!” Dad’s grip tightened on the steering wheel, and the little car lurched, escaping a big black sedan swerving too close. “Hold on!” To avoid an accident he headed towards the sidewalk and one little tire banged against the curb, pushing the vehicle back into their lane. The car jerked, and began to bump up and down. “Darn!”

  “Did we hit that car?” Beth was certain they hadn’t, but something was wrong.

  “No, flat tire. Looks like our quest just turned into an adventure.”

  Beth clapped her hands, smiling. “Can we look at that fabric?”

  “We’ll see—first we’d better look for a new tire. I don’t think this tin can called a car has a spare.”

  Dad pulled close to the curb and put his flashers on. People shouted behind them and made gestures out their windows. “Look at that, Bethy, they love Americans here.”

  She pushed the lightweight door open and scrambled out. Traffic never slowed, and it was impossible to open the driver’s door. It took Daddy several minutes to pry himself from behind the wheel of the tiny car, and wiggle across the passenger seat. Beth slapped both hands over her mouth to keep from laughing as he crawled out the passenger door onto the sidewalk, hands first.

  “Want to see me do that again?” Daddy teased. Beth dropped her hands and laughed out loud.

  “Maybe you’d better have just one scoop,” she said.

  “Oh you!” He rumpled her hair. “I’m still fit and trim, for a General.”

  Beth put her arm around him and leaned against her big strong dad. He was perfect.

  “Not the best neighborhood to get a flat in,” a man commented in a friendly voice, speaking perfect English.

  Ted’s arm tightened around Beth slightly. “Oh, things happen for a reason. Maybe you have the best halo-halo ice-cream in Shanghai here?”

  The man had very interesting eyes, lit up and happy. Beth liked him. He looked like the kind of man who didn’t lie. “I’m afraid not, but we have other things here just as wonderful.”

  “A spare tire for my Big Wheel?” Daddy always joked that his car was a toy. Beth didn’t know what a Big Wheel really was, but he said it all the time and she laughed because that’s what you did when your Dad told a bad joke.

  “As far as that goes, I have a telephone you can use. It’s going to cost you though.”

  Daddy rolled his eyes. “But of course, it is Shanghai.”

  “Not money. I just want to talk to you about being the kind of man your family needs. I want to talk to you about love and truth.”

  Beth looked at the neon sign in the dirty store window. It blinked Jesus in green. Daddy frowned when he saw it, and glanced up and down the street. “Is that a good idea around here these days?”

  “Depends on who you’re trying to please.”

  “I’m just trying to make a phone call,” said Daddy, squeezing Beth’s arm to let her know it was okay. “Not make the evening news in any part of the world.”

  “Have a little faith.” The man pulled open the door of his shop. Little bells attached to the handle with bits of twine jingled.

  “I have a little faith.” Daddy tightened his arm around Beth and pulled her closer. “It’s patience that I’m running a bit low on, Mister.” But he winked at Beth and they walked through the door together.

  BETH WORRIED, AND Mom wasn’t there. Daddy cried a lot at night. She could hear him talking to himself through the bedroom wall, but she couldn’t hear what he was saying. Lying across her bed, on her stomach, she thought about her problems. The Marlow School had kicked her out. Dad had said it was okay, that she was too smart for Fourth Grade. He always said that when she got kicked out. It didn’t bother her to get kicked out. People lied and she made them stop and they kicked her out. She didn’t mind going to new schools. She liked new places. She rolled over on her bed, and picked up her new Bible. Loiling, from the Jesus church had given it to her the day they got the flat tire. She liked Loiling, but thought he might be why Daddy cried so much now. Beth just wasn’t sure why the truth would make Daddy cry. Loiling didn’t tell them anything bad. She wished Mom would come back. Mom would know what to do. Mom always knew what to do.

  “CAROLE!” DAD’S SHOUT scared Beth. She jumped off the bed and raced down the hall. Mom stood by the front door, her face too white. Dad was scaring her too. Mom looked over at her and didn’t say anything, but Beth knew that look. It meant give us a few minutes. Usually Mom gave it to her when they were going to talk about why she got kicked out of school and now what would they do with her. This time Beth knew it wasn’t about her, but she did the same thing she always did. She slid down the hallway out of sight, and listened.

  Daddy hugged Mom, she could hear Mom’s bones crack a little bit. Daddy always did that when he hugged you, it didn’t hurt. Beth liked it, and she thought maybe Mom would too. Mom’s voice sounded worried when she said, “Ted?”

  “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything,
for all the—for all of them. I don’t know why I did it. I just—I don’t want to be like that anymore, Carole. Never again, I give you my word, I swear to you—never again. I want to be a decent husband. I’ve been trying for years. Please forgive me, I know I don’t deserve it, but please—please believe me.” Daddy started crying again. “It’s going to be different this time!”

  “Don’t,” Mom whispered. “I know why, Ted. I love you and if you ask me to believe you I will. Please, don’t cry.”

  “I’ll show you, Carole. It will be different. I know this will sound stupid, that you won’t believe me, but Beth and I found a church and it changed everything for me. I realized how—will you come with us? Can you keep an open mind and just listen to Loiling? For me, for us, please?”

  Mom kept quiet. Beth knew she’d gone still like she did when she didn’t like something. Beth was pretty sure Mom didn’t want to go to Loiling’s church.

  But Dad made his awful sobbing sound and Mom said, “Of course, right now?”

  “Right now would be perfect.” Beth heard the jangle of Dad’s car keys as though he’d had them in his pocket waiting. “Thank you, Carole.” The door swung open, and they left. Beth stood in the hallway and hugged herself. Daddy had sounded almost happy, but they’d both forgotten her. She’d never been home alone before. For a few minutes she waited for them to remember her and come back. They didn’t. Beth raced into the living room and turned on the TV. She didn’t like to watch it, it was boring. She switched through the channels to the one that played music. Daddy said she wasn’t allowed to listen to that kind of music. Beth liked it. She turned the TV as loud as it would go. Plopping onto the couch, she opened her Bible to read while she listened to a punk rock marathon.

  CAROLE PUT BOTH hands on her knees, goose bumps prickling over every inch of her body. Ted’s heart, always faint in the background, roiled with regret. Years of dishonor had infected it like an abscess, making the touch fainter and fainter. It had been a long time since she’d really wanted to touch it with hers, to claim it for her own. Lately she’d thought one day she’d come home and not be able to sense it anymore at all. This she’d never expected. As though a surgical strike had cleared away pus and dead tissue, the touch of Ted’s heart had changed. Even though her father had died, Carole wondered if he’d somehow been able to talk to ilu about him. This felt real, and if it were real it would be miraculous.